Autumn Thoughts

 

Before Mummahood, I had a lot of time - well, more time - where I could sit and write my blog, or sit and sew; especially as only two years before that it was the start of a global pandemic that meant all we had in the world was copious amounts of hand sanitiser, a weekly tradition of banging saucepans outside our front doors, Boris Johnson with charts and 'experts', and time. So much time. 

After having Baby F, my sudden lack of time, for me time, or feeling I've achieved something time, has really grated on me and I've been finding myself feeling frustrated for no reason at all. It creeps up on me and I get an uncomfortable bubbly feeling inside and thoughts about just needing to hide under the duvet and ignore everything and anyone who requires something of me. It's not just becoming the centre of a small person's life but I've been asked to take on other additional roles in recent months which are very heavy on the workload and it's all just been piling up on me. I'm often asked how I juggle it all and to be honest, I don't know. I'm not sure I do actually, things just roll around until they become a desperate priority and then they get done, or not done and just ignored but they're usually the things that I want to do so it doesn't affect anyone else other than me. 

I've been reading back over my early blog posts from 2011/2012 and onwards, and seeing how I used to make simple blog posts about the seasons changing, interesting plants in the garden, strange weather patterns or anything else I fancied and I'd like to start doing that again. 

Today marks the start of a change! Baby F has his first full day at nursery today - it's somewhere that he's visited a couple of times and my goodness does he love it there already. He needs the interaction with other children, and also adults who are solely there to chat to him and don't have to write emails or do the washing or try and get 30 workshop packs put together at the same time. They have space to put out new and exciting activities and, judging from the photos I've been sent already on the nursery app (apart from the accident report 45 minutes after I'd left him to say he'd fallen and banged his head), he's thoroughly enjoying playing with their cars and tool station and making friends with a little chap called Reggie. 

Not only does Baby F get two exciting nursery days a week starting now, I also get two days a week where I can be me! I can do whatever I want between the hours of 8.30am - 3.30pm and it is actually like a lightness, a little bit of pressure that has lifted. I don't think I really realised how hard I was being on myself and the guilt I had for wanting to be more for my little one but also keep everything else going. 

I'm very hopeful about what this new change in our routine will bring. The season is changing and we are changing with it! 

Last week I ended up in a different coffee shop to my usual Tuesday and Friday Costa. I go there for breakfast two days a week before I start work in a haberdashery as it fits in with everyone leaving the house but means I have an hour to kill before I start. They hadn't opened for whatever reason and I had to source my breakfast elsewhere - ending up in Gail's for some very posh sourdough toast with jam, which arrived late but also with an apologetic, on-the-house, cinnamon bun! The coffee had a heart on it which made it all the better, I very much appreciate heart love on coffee. 

This week started with a settling-in-to-nursery session for Baby F. The weather that morning was simply horrendous and I was dreading walking the 20 minutes to nursery, packing extra clothes in preparation for the likelihood of him getting drenched enroute and sticking his little legs into his wellies.  But, as we were seconds from leaving the house, he ran to the window pointing and shouting, "RAINBOW!!" It was a fantastically strong, double rainbow actually, beaming down on us which felt like such a good omen. We had the whole curve of it right outside our door as you can see and, even better, we weren't getting rained on whilst looking at it. 

He was so pleased to get to the nursery. They have a little drive down to the gates which have speedbumps that he likes to go "up" and "down" over, then we push a button to let us in and the gates magically open. He knew exactly where he was going, marched up to the front door and knocked then sidled on inside and got going with playtime. The lovely nursery ladies assured me that I didn't need to stay as he was quite happy so sent me back out by myself for an hour. I ended up with a takeaway coffee on the village green, sitting rather uncomfortably on an umbrella as it was the only thing I had which was slightly waterproof and meant I could sit on the bench without getting a soggy bottom. The sun was still shining though and I had had the forethought to bring some stitching with me so I sat and stitched outside (which I love doing anyway) until it was time to pick up one very excitable Baby F. 

The leaves are just starting to change colour and put on their autumn finery. It's not been cold enough yet to really snap them into action so we are all enjoying a fairly mild start - although it does keep on raining! I doubt there will be many more opportunities to stitch outside this year. 

Today of course, is the big day - the first full day - so we'll see how that goes! After I'd dropped him off, after some more speed bump jumping and a very sweet kiss goodbye at the door, I walked back home with the empty buggy, pausing to get myself a celebratory Biscoff latte from a converted horse box coffee shop in the high street called Tommy's. I specifically wanted my coffee from here this morning, partially because they are the only ones doing Biscoff lattes (I'm a sucker for all things Biscoff related), but also because Tommy was a little boy, who lived locally, who passed away at a really young age, just younger than Baby F is now. He never got to go to nursery and in an odd way I felt I owed it to his family to stop by the coffee shop in his memory. We are so very lucky to have our little boy and to be able to send him to nursery and see him grow up. 

So, I hadn't meant to come on here with a sad blog post, I was meant to be writing about the autumnal changes, the dark mornings and increase in rainy days or foggy weather, jumping in muddy puddles, making apple cake and crumbles, purchasing our first pumpkin of the season and starting to light candles in the evenings for the autumnal glow - but I'm afraid this is what has tumbled out of my fingers today! Thank you for reading. xx